Years ago, before we had any children, my husband and I had a significant disagreement. I genuinely don’t remember the reason for our disagreement. All I remember is that I initiated the disagreement. It wasn’t explosive, but as soon as all was said and done, I knew I had overstepped a boundary. Quickly recognizing my error, I apologized to my husband. To my dismay, he met my sincere apology with silence and distance, which was not like him at all. That was a lesson for me. Disagreements don’t have to be explosive to invite the language of hell into a marriage. Life and death are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). Sometimes it’s the little foxes—the subtle words, the subtle nagging, the subtle belittling, the withholding of affection or forgiveness—that ruin the vineyard (Song of Solomon 2:15). Again, I don’t recall the actual words that were spoken, but I certainly remember the lessons.
How could I make things right? I didn’t know what else to do, except to turn to the One who does. My husband had good reason to be upset. I sincerely apologized, but that didn’t work. I then felt the Lord impress a simple message upon my heart: “Even if you’re right, if it’s not love, you’re wrong.”
What does that mean? I think it’s simple. Speak in line with love. When you don’t, repent before the Lord and the one you offended. If you’re on the side of the offended, forgive, whether the offender apologizes or not. You may have every right to be mad. You may feel justified in keeping a record of wrongs. You may have good reason not to forgive. Yet, we have no excuse to hold onto our good reasons, because the Lord Jesus has shown us a better way. Love is the better and right way. Forgive so that you may be forgiven (Matthew 6:15). Bless those who wrong you (Luke 6:27–28). The Lord Jesus gave us these commands. They’re not suggestions.
As people who profess the name of Jesus, it’s simply unacceptable to hold onto offenses. We must repent. I include myself in this. On that day years ago, what I spoke to my husband was sinful. I realized it and apologized. My husband had good reason to be offended, but staying offended didn’t honor God either. He soon realized that too. That same day, we repented to each other and moved on. Ask either of us what that disagreement was about. Neither one of us remembers. However, we’ve had to repent many more times since then. I guess that’s just the beautiful challenge of marriage, but the goal is to choose love more and more often.
Overall, the desire to be right cannot override humility and love. If we prefer making our case and being right over going low and loving well, our relationships will suffer. They will become a source of grief rather than a life-giving spring. How then can the fragrance of Jesus go forth if we choose not to love well? Unforgiveness, bitterness, and offense are the aroma of hell. Yes, we need boundaries to navigate relationships in a healthy manner, but we must not masquerade pride and offense as wisdom and healthy boundaries. Sometimes creating distance between yourself and certain individuals is right and necessary, depending on the circumstances. Nonetheless, fostering reconciliation is the heart of the Father. It seems that people are often more eager to prematurely end relationships than they are to resolve conflict. If you’re willing to ask the Holy Spirit and willing to be wrong, you will know the correct course of action.
Last but certainly not least, I’ll leave you with a few scriptures:
1 Corinthians 13:4–7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Romans 12:18
If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
2 Corinthians 5:17–19
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.
In light of these scriptures, there are a few questions that come to mind. Are we loving well? Have we done all we can to be at peace with each other? Are we carrying out the ministry of Christ, which is reconciliation, or the ministry of hell, which is slanderous division? In living out the answers to these questions, may we keep in perspective what Jesus has done for us. We are not entitled to His forgiveness or His goodness; yet, He freely gave Himself for us. Freely we have received, so freely we give (Matthew 10:8).
